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| Xeogaming Forums - Story Realm - Fall |
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Makura        Since: 01-22-05 From: The restaurant at the end of the universe.... Since last post: 6230 days Last activity: 5496 days |
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| The wind sings past my ears in a shrill pitch that assaults my senses. My body is weightless against the wind. I let my body go limp and then move again; the blood in my veins feels like wire hangers, against the force of gravity. My motions are muted. Relaxing and contracting my muscles is a struggle against the fall. The building flies beside me. Window after window gives a zoomy wave good-bye. I close my eyes knowing the time will soon come. I've found my zephyr. The weather is perfect. And in the last living moment before the sidewalk closes in I wonder, "Is this a mistake?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It's short, but I like it. (Last edited by Makura on 06-12-06 06:25 PM) |
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Stitch Roy Koopa Holy crap, it is the RoboCoonie!  Since: 08-20-04 From: California Since last post: 1277 days Last activity: 1277 days |
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| "...let body got limp."
"go" "...let body go limp and them move again." Nice sentence, but a little confusing. It needs more. I know what you're trying to go for, but yeah. Capitalize the "t" in "the" before "weather". Other than that, awesome short story. Reminds me a lot of my "Car Wash" story. And, by formally requesting that I read one of your stories, you've won my random reading and commenting because I want to...er...thing. |
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Makura Since: 01-22-05 From: The restaurant at the end of the universe.... Since last post: 6230 days Last activity: 5496 days |
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| Thanks I really appreciate it, Zabuza. I made a few changes, tell me what you think. | |||
Elara Divine Mamkute Dark Elf Goddess Chaos Imp Penguins Fan Ms. Invisable  Since: 08-15-04 From: Ferelden Since last post: 443 days Last activity: 443 days |
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| I think that you should take out the period separating the last sentence from the one before it, otherwise it's fragmented and looks weird. Other than that, nice job... I assume just a little thing you whipped up? | |||
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Stitch Roy Koopa Holy crap, it is the RoboCoonie! Since: 08-20-04 From: California Since last post: 1277 days Last activity: 1277 days |
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| Yeah, I'll go ditto with the fragmentation. I chose to ignore it to allow you literary creativity...if and only if this was meant as poetic prose rather than literary prose. | |||
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Makura Since: 01-22-05 From: The restaurant at the end of the universe.... Since last post: 6230 days Last activity: 5496 days |
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 Er..uh yeah I did that on purpose.
It is a fragment. Fixed now though. And yes, this was just something that popped into my brain. One of those twenty minute jobs. |
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Pockets Werewolf pockets Since: 10-20-04 Since last post: 5434 days Last activity: 4951 days |
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| I like. Interesting thought though. I wrote a story rather similar to this one back in
my senior year in highschool I titled, "Freefall." Great minds think alike I guess. |
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